The Difference Between Conflict & a Fight
If you've been thinking that a conflict is just a fancier way to frame a fight, I think you're right that a lot of people are using it that way right now. Like, I'm pretty sure Gwenyth Paltrow would only have conflict and never a fight.
But they're actually two very different things with two different purposes and personally, I think BOTH of them are useful in relationships.
A conflict is just that: when people in a relationship have conflicting beliefs, values, or ideas about a situation. Conflict may or may not result in a fight or even a conversation, it depends on your tolerance for it. I, for example, have a very low tolerance for conflict in my primary attachment, so I chose a partner who shares almost 100% of my values and we still conflict *a lot* because I like to be on the same page basically all. of. the. time. Other people, especially securely-attached people, are able to tolerate varying levels of conflict in their relationship for varying amounts of time because it doesn't feel particularly threatening to conflict.
All relationships have conflict. Esther Perel, John & Julie Gottman, Dan Savage, Gail Wyatt, and for SURE Brené Brown all have conflict in their relationships. It's not a sign of a healthy relationship to have no conflict. In fact, I'm pretty worried when I hear a couple is never in conflict because, well, they're lying. Or they're wrong. Either way, they're not being their whole authentic selves in their relationship if they never have conflict and that's a problem.
Fighting on the other hand, that's where things can get dicey. If conflict is having a little campfire that snaps and pops sometimes, fighting is pouring emotional gasoline on the thing and ending up with a bonfire. When we're fighting, we're emotional and we're invested in being right.
If the goal of conflict is to understand, the goal of fighting is to win.
Put another way, conflict is responsive; we respond thoughtfully and intentionally to our differences with our partner. Fighting is reactive; we felt triggered or hurt or scared, got upset, lashed out, and now we're fighting.
Some relationship experts will disagree with me but I think a healthy relationship has an amount of both.
Ideally, I like to see much more conflict than fighting. I'm talking like a 90:10 ratio here. Most of the time when differences come up, you are keeping your cool, taking your partner's perspective, and staying on the same team to solve the problem.
However, I do still like to see a good fight every once in a while. It really shouldn't be often, if it is, that's a sign of a larger, underground pain point in your relationship that needs attention, but on occasion, I think it's healthy to have a good fight.
What's a good fight, you ask? No name-calling, no criticizing, no dredging up the past for starters. But go ahead and get emotional, be so invested in your belief and your relationship that every once in a while, you try really hard to change your partner's mind about something. And lastly, test your attachment a little bit.
For those of us with insecure attachment, being willing to test your primary attachment (assuming that's currently your partner but it could also be a friend or family member) can be a sign that you've developed a secure attachment with that person. That you feel so secure in your relationship that you're willing to strain it a little bit to see if it holds. Fighting every once in a while is a strong sign of a healthy attachment and I like to see it.
If you are fighting all the time because every conflict causes you emotional overwhelm, I can help you. If you never fight because you're terrified your partner might leave you if you do, I can also help you. In my 1:1 coaching program, we'll work together to improve your regulation skills and attachment behaviors so you can fight without fear of breaking up and get through conflict without overwhelm. Click the button below to get started.
