Being a Partner to Someone in Grief

My cat of 17 years passed away last month and I was deep in grief. My partner really impressed me with his skillful support. Two years ago, I lost both of my grandparents in the span of three months and I was involved in their hospice care and end-of-life transitions. That was a long season of grief and it taught me how to be in grief without trying to numb it away and it taught my partner how to be with me without trying to fix it. I’ll share the skills we learned and have practiced below. 

Being with someone in grief is not intuitive and it’s not a skill that most of us have anymore. It's been lost as we become more and more isolated into our nuclear families. Grief is uncomfortable in its intensity. Being around grief reminds us of our own pain and thank you, but we’d really rather not. It’s much more comfortable to dismiss it, sugarcoat it, or fix it than it is to let it be.  

But grief comes for all of us eventually. Suppressing it by numbing out, dissociating, avoiding it, dismissing it, or denying it has negative consequences for your physical and mental health. 

I’ll talk about how to grieve in another email, this email is about how to be a partner to someone in grief. Whether it’s a family member, friend, spouse, or child, the skills are the same.

Hold space: Don’t rush

Because grief is so uncomfortable, we want it to be over as quickly as possible. Being able to sit quietly in your discomfort allows the grieving person to relax into their feelings, knowing that you’re not going to hurry along the process. It’s not that it helps them feel better, it helps them not feel worse. If you’ve ever been told to “get over it” before you’re ready, you know how terrible it feels to be told you’re not grieving correctly, that you’re taking too long. Whoever you’re with and whatever it is they’re grieving, hold space for that to take as long as it needs to. Grief doesn’t have a timeline.

Let it be: Don’t fix

Seeing someone we care about in a great deal of pain is hard because it hurts us too. Most of us will do anything we can to avoid pain so we try to fix their grief so we don’t have to also be in pain. But you can’t fix loss. 

Any sentence that begins with “at least” is not the ticket:

“At least they were with you for so long.”

“At least you had such a nice relationship.”

“They don’t deserve you anyway.”
“Now you can be the new you!”

All of these things imply that the depth of what the grieving person is feeling is inappropriate. That there is a correct way to go through the grieving process, you know what it is, and you can tell them. This is only going to damage your connection. Being with the grieving person as they are, whatever their process is, validates their experience and will strengthen your connection.

Provide comfort: Reassure, validate, etc.

For a catastrophizer like me, this one helps a lot. If the grieving person has fears, regrets, or questions they’re voicing, assuage them. With my cat, I was afraid that I hadn’t loved him enough in his last weeks, that I made the decision to transition him too soon, that I ruined his passing by giving him catnip and freaking him out right at the end. Both Alex and my therapist were great about saying the opposite of whatever I was afraid of and it really soothed me. When my grandparents passed and I was worried about whether or not our last interactions were meaningful enough, Alex reassured me that they were. I remember when an important relationship ended and I confessed to a friend that I was afraid I hadn’t been as important to them as they were to me, my friend listed evidence to the contrary, which validated the significance of our relationship.

Be genuine

It's hard to know what to say when someone experiences a loss and is in a lot of pain. But if you're not rushing, not trying to fix, and instead trying to reassure & validate, you're most of the way there. To find the right words for your person in grief, you have to find that place inside yourself that has felt how they feel now, which can be unpleasant or uncomfortable. But if you can connect with the part of yourself that has known grief, you can offer something authentic and compassionate and that's what they need--real connection, your true self being there with them. Some genuine things I have said to people in grief include: 

--Nothing, just long hugs and comfortable silence

--"This is a terrible loss and I am so sorry. I wish I could hold your heart in my hands and take away all of your pain."

--"I'm here for you and whatever you're feeling right now is safe with me."

--"I can't imagine how much this hurts, I'm so sorry, I love you so much."

--"I'm having a hard time finding the right words to say because what you're going through is beyond words. Can I bake your favorite treat for you or cook you your favorite meal and bring it to your house?"

It’s hard to grieve and it’s hard to be with someone in grief. If you want to learn how to be a better partner, friend, or parent to someone who’s grieving, schedule a call to discuss 1:1 coaching. I can help you learn how to sit in discomfort and be truly supportive to the people you love.